guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
