I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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