I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I need water and some morals
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
