Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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