There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
