During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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