can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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