you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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