I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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