saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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