don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
