At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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