this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
