He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
