if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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