Sorry, I don't speak sober.
if only i could text you this smell
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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