I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
