This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
