I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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