my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
