The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
