I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
