An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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