i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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