does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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