so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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