My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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