also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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