she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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