i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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