from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just invented taco cereal.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
