we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
