I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
