Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
only if we run a train.
done.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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