Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
