i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
