I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
