I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
