New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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