just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
