I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
