were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's just like the Real World with babies
splinters make it hard to masturbate
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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