Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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