her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
