I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
