I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You need Xanax blowdarts
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
