4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
