i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
