I wish you could order shots online.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
