Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
